Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
