So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
