if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize