I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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