On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
