How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
