you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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