Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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