People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize