I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
