Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am midnight drunk by noon
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
