Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She even gives head with a lisp.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
