Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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