i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
