Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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