sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
