Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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