Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
