your parents love me but you hate me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can't put those talents on a resume
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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