You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
