Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
