when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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