I'm lost and stupid without you.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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