My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
