i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
please come you make the beer taste better
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
