my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
