The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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