a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
