I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
