I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
