Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
