remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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