Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
