do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
