she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize