so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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