so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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