Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
FUCK WHALES
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
