Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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