is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
