Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
