He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just gargled with NyQuil
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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