whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
