So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
