that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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