I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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