I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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