can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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