thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
