he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
