yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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