drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
