so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
