"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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