Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
