Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
