dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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