I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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