Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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