So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
