If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
