im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
