I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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