normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize