I accidentally had phone sex last night
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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