You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
