if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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