I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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